Column
How to Have More Successful Relationships
By Trini Eiche
Apr 7, 2008

Among the many pleasures we experience in life, one of the most important and potentially rewarding is the pleasure we derive from our relationships with friends and loved ones.

The people with whom we have the most contact will have either a positive or negative impact on our levels of confidence, satisfaction, well-being and optimism.

We all know people who are positive, happy and joyful to be around. They brighten our days with their vibrant, optimistic attitudes and their ability to energize everyone around them. In their company we feel like a million dollars.

Most of us also know negative thinkers who drain our energy and bring us down. They see difficulties in every possibility and disasters around every corner. We may find these individuals right in our own families. Whereas we can’t choose our family, we can choose our friends and romantic partners.

Supporting others to be more positive

Ideally, we want to surround ourselves with happy, positive, encouraging friends. But what if you have a good friend who tends toward the negative and yet you value the person’s friendship and want to maintain it? With a little finesse, you can make them aware of how their negativity is impacting the people around them — not to mention themselves.

Start by modeling a behavior called "Active-Constructive responding." It’s a simple, powerful communications tool that results in more successful relationships.

If you want to be more proactive, sit down in a quiet moment and share this model with your friend. True friends who are psychologically mature will respect you for speaking up and supporting them.

UCLA Psychology Professor Shelly Gable, Ph.D.

Active-Constructive responding is the focus of Dr. Shelly Gable’s research at UCLA. Dr. Gable, an assistant professor of psychology, studies the positive psychology of love and marriage.

She doesn’t focus on troubled marriages, but rather on what makes good marriages great.

Her marriage research has important implications for all kinds of relationships — romantic partnerships, friendships, parent-child relationships, professional colleagues, and friendly acquaintances.

When something goes right

When we have a positive experience or a success in our lives, most of us want to share it; our joy will not be contained. We want a witness to the moments that make our lives worth living, so we turn to those close to us — our friends and loved ones — to share with, savor, relive, and celebrate our joy. How they respond can have a positive or negative impact.

Likewise, how we respond to someone else’s excitement can either boost them up or bring them down. The way we respond to good events has a striking effect on the quality of our relationships with others. It can spell the difference between success and failure. When something goes right for someone, we may respond in one of four ways:

• Active-Constructive: Enthusiastically asking lots of questions, being present and engaged, maintaining eye contact, showing genuine interest, enjoyment and excitement about the good event.
• Active-Destructive: Becoming critical, finding the cloud in the silver lining, pointing out the potential problems or downsides of the good event.
• Passive-Constructive: Saying little, displaying a muted happiness for the other person, underplaying the importance of the good event.
• Passive-Destructive: Being indifferent, disengaged, not paying attention, showing no interest or concern about the good event.

Here is an example of the four responses in action. Liz, an emerging artist and freelance illustrator, gets off the phone and excitedly tells her husband, Mark, that the head art director at the publishing firm she has been working for just asked her to illustrate a new series of wraparound book covers. Mark’s possible responses:

• Active-Constructive:“That’s great news! Your skills and beautiful work are definitely paying off. Your goal to be a sought-after illustrator will happen in no time. What’s the new series about?”
• Active-Destructive: “Honey, you’ve never done anything like that. Are you sure you can handle it? It sounds like a lot of work. You’ll probably have to put in even longer hours.”
• Passive-Constructive: “That’s very nice, dear.”
• Passive-Destructive: “I’m tired. Save it ... say, what’s for dinner?”

As you can see, three of these responses are joy-deflating to varying degrees. Only the active-constructive response succeeds in nurturing an emotional bond between Liz and Mark.

When we respond enthusiastically — in an active-constructive manner — we are accomplishing several things. We are acknowledging the importance of a positive event to our friend or loved one and recognizing the associated implications. This conveys shared values, caring and closeness.

Passive and destructive responses convey the opposite — that the good event is insignificant, or that we don’t know or care about what the other person finds important.

This response conveys that the other person’s thoughts, emotions and values are of little or no concern or importance.

Destructive and passive responses don’t contribute to healthy relationships. When we are responded to with disparaging criticism, with no acknowledgment or interest in what we value, we experience a diminished sense of connection to the person with whom we are engaged. This creates feelings of alienation as well as a decrease in positive emotion, well-being, and optimism.

A common mistake many people fall into is to hone in on the potential problems in an otherwise positive event in an effort to protect a friend or loved from future disappointment or in the name of realism and objectivity. This does not affirm the other person and is not really supportive. Celebrate with them first, and set potential problems aside in your mind for discussion at a different time.

Another pitfall is attempting to respond when we are preoccupied with work or some other pressing issue. In this situation we may, without meaning to, find ourselves using a passive-constructive response.

Realize that at that moment you’re not in a position to do justice to what your friend is telling you. Be honest and say something like, “That sounds terrific. I definitely want to know more, but right now I’m tied up with something I must finish. Would you fill me in when I’m done, please?”

The bottom line

How we respond matters. Be curious, present, and positive. Above all, keep your responses real. If you are a naturally low-key person, you need not be effusive or overly emotive. Just be yourself and respond affirmatively.

The bottom line is this: Our responses to the positive events in the lives of those we are close to are at least as important for the quality and depth of our relationship as are our responses to negative events.

Trini Eiche lives in New York City and works with people who struggle with the question of what to do with their future. She helps them discover what they want and how to get it faster than they ever thought possible, and create a more energizing, fulfilling, and happy future. To learn more about her success strategies coaching, or to schedule a free trial session, visit her website at SuccesStrategiesCoach.com.